I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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