did you get engaged???
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize