3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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