I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
