the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What a dumb baby whore.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
