If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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