What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
