I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
