Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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