Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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