Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
