Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize