dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
