That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
