Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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