I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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