The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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