life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
