my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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