you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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