george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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