im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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