1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
