Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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