drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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