My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
