Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Come share oat with me in your robe
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
