it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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