Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
