So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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