i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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