I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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