i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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