I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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