Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
