I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
