Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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