Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
home. puking in laundry basket.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
