So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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