This is not my ceiling
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
