Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize