I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
