Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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