i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize