well I can't set my house on fire every night
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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