Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
