Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
