my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No subtext here. People are naked.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
