Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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