just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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