My hair reeks of homosexuality.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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