3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
