I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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