My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize