My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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