There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
