mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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