I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
