He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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