her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
