i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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