I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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