if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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