if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
