he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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