Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
