somebody snuck up and got me drunk
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
