Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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