I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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