Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
