so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize