rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
