my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
