im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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